Okay, I was over at Jen's blog that other day and this term came up in the comments "pastoral abuse". And I was left wondering....just what is that. I've seen the term used in a variety of blogs, generally from people who have suffered pastoral abuse and therefore are either not attending church or have fear issues when going to a new church.
As I was thinking, my thoughts were along the lines of... pastoral abuse... so is that Pastor's abusing their congregations? Is it pastor's being abused by their congregations? Is it a mix of the two or ????
When one thinks of drug abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse and such like, one thinks of something being used wrongly. That somewhere in the mix is a victim , either of their own poor decision-making skills, or the cruelty of others. Basically sin at work. Usually it is fairly easy to determine who the victim is. But in this... I have no clue as to who the victim is.
My confusion probably lies with the interchangeability of the term.
When I think pastoral abuse, I think, oh who is beating up on the pastor now? and what's the reasoning behind it? and oh the poor man, hard ministry to be in.
Apparently on some blogs it means that the pastor has treated one person/couple badly and has not been held accountable for his actions. OR has treated the whole congregation badly through HIS doing, not just their perception of things.
I'm probably not explaining that well... :) What I mean by that latter is that a pastor enters a congregation, and they expect one thing of him, and he has a whole different agenda that he didn't share with them during the hiring/placement process and over time he autocratically imposes his will upon the congregation.
So just what is it?
I'll admit, I'm a pastor's wife. I consider my hubbie and myself fortunate that the church we are currently serving is a good church for the most part. :) Seriously, it is. But anyways, it means that I see and hear some of the stuff that goes on.
Sometimes congregations are harder on their pastor's than they aught to be. Seriously. Sometimes it seems that congregations forget that their pastor is a person. He has family. He has chores around the house to do. He should get some time off. He should be compensated fairly for what he does and for the education that he has received. Seriously... he should be.
BUT I have also seen the flip side of that... where a congregation brings in a pastor and finds that oh my...this fellow wants to make changes and it's his way or ... well...there's the door folks. And sometimes it starts subtly and other times it's a bit more blatant, but none-the-less the autocratic ways start to really push their way forward.
I know that all pastor's have to be somewhat autocratic in what they do. They have to say, you know folks, my day off is thus and such, please don't bother me those days UNLESS it is a genuine emergency. Or my office hours are thus and such, feel free to contact me anytime during those hours, be pleased to help you. OR saying you know what... the person you really aught to talk with about the light-bulb is ________, sorry I can't help you with that. Pastor's need to do these things.
And sometimes people have to think for themselves. Yes, I know the Pastor's on call 24/7, but that late night phone call over a theological issue...can it wait 'til morning? Do I really need to call the pastor about cleaning the parking lot? Do I really need to tell the pastor that _______ when all it really is, is gossip? Or.. on the flip side...have I called the pastor to let him know that I'm having surgery? I have mentioned to him that ________ hasn't been in church for the past bit and when I called them on the phone they mentioned they weren't well? Or oh.. the pastor wants to make thus and such a change, and well....even though it's not the way we've always done things, does it really matter to the word of God if we make this change?
I had a friend tell me that she was mad that the pastor of her previous church never visited her. Not even once. I said, How big is your church? OH about 200 people. Oh... and did you mention to him or any of the leadership team that you needed a pastoral visit? "No," was the response, he should just know this. When I asked how would he know? well..he's the pastor, he should know these things! Folks... pastors don't know all these things. They really don't. :) And if you don't tell him, and then leave the church telling all that he didn't care for you at all.. then you are abusing that pastor. You really are.
As for pastor's abusing their positions...all I can say is .... where are the godly men? Seriously. If your pastor is mistreating you or members of your congregation...what are you doing? If someone leaves your church, are you following up and asking.... why did you leave? Have you found a new church home? How can we help you?
Men of God, stand up and help your pastor be the person that God has called him to be. Women of God, support him, support his wife (she's important to his ministry), don't spread gossip. Tell him of the sick people, the hurting people in your congregation. Don't let him visit single women alone, why set either up for failure or comment? Don't assume that he knows everything. Don't assume that he can do everything. He's one man, called by God, to a particular office and church. Help him. Help your fellow believers.
So what say you?
7 comments:
All the things you said about pastoring? Excellent, and I agree. I realize that the work of being a pastor is a multi-faceted thing, and it can be extraordinarily difficult for both him and his wife. And many pastors are definitely abused and presumed upon unduly. If a pastor is a godly and humble man who remains accountable, we absolutely need to pray for and support him and his wife in every way possible.
But there are those pastors who set themselves up as monarch over a congregation with absolutely no accountability within or without, accusing members of sins that don't exist, and refusing to be entreated. These ungodly, arrogant men need to be prayed for in another way altogether -- that they will repent and be humbled by God.
...has treated the whole congregation badly through HIS doing, not just their perception of things.
Sadly, this was the case with us. We just had dinner last night with another couple of the may who are still hurting.
...of the may who are still hurting.
That should read: ...of the many who are still hurting.
Jen, I am so sorry for what you've had to go through. I have heard similar stories from members of a church I used to attend. It just breaks my heart when I see pastors' doing such things.
I just wonder...what can be done? How can pastor's be stopped who are being arrogant and/or overly autocratic? Do members just have
1. to leave
2. bite their tongues and say, he won't be here forever
3. FIGHT and get so tired of fighting
What can we do?
How can we, not just pray, but find some I don't want to say better, because prayer is always the "BEST" that we can do. But what can we do in cases like this?
I read these posts and I just feel burdened for the people of God who are treated so poorly by one who is to be their shepherd.
Yes, prayer. But also there's this:
Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.
Romans 16:17
And that prayer should be for their repentance, and for the healing of those they have hurt.
I agree Jen. Church discipline needs to be administered. Prayer needs to be for God to work, for the sin to be seen, for repentance and turning and healing. And if they don't turn and repent, then non-fellowshipping is to be considered....all done in love and all for the purpose of helping the person turn back to Christ.
Right. But as yet, we see nothing remotely resembling repentance. Just continual finger-pointing.
Some were so hurt, that I fear they may have turned their back on God.
Just love those hurting ones Jen. Just love them and pray for them. Some hurts take a long time to heal. The church we are currently in went through a hard time, and it's been at least 8 years... probably somewhat longer (before my time), and just now are people starting to say okay... it's okay. It wasn't good BUT we're okay, God is good and so forth. Time, patience and lots of prayer.... God sometimes works slowly.
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