I'm feeling bothered....

Okay, So I've let this sit for a few days. And since it still bothers me, and since my hubbie says that I should say something about it, I'm going to say something about it.

There was a blog were a lady posted a "how do you think we can help this person". She listed the letter that she had received.
That entry can be found here. I've copied the bulk of the letter here to make it easier to follow.

It's all great and lovely when both dh and dw are moved by God to be on the same page as far as letting Him plan their family goes...but what about when dw wants more children and dh says, "NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"??? I was lucky to get my four out of him, but it really wasn't God that got him there, it was me and my tantrums......Dh has ... reasons for the "why not", but basically it ... selfishness.

Why, oh why does God bring one person to this conviction and not their spouse? ...... And I now I am 44 and dh is almost 50...it won't be much longer until I CAN"T have anymore children. ......I feel like what a waste...I wonder who we are "missing"....it has caused great strife between dh and I...

I posted my response. They are moderated so I had to wait to see if I would be approved or not.

Her response to me was

I won't be publishing your comment.

When one of my readers confesses publicly to being less than perfect - which she clearly knew was wrong and felt ashamed of - she doesn't need some holier-than-thou drive-by sniper to shoot her when she's down.

If you can't respect the tone of my blog, then don't waste your time commenting here. My readers can feel safe confessing that they are less-than-perfect and asking for prayer and advice from others in becoming better people. I would never abuse that trust.

My response back to her was:

Thank you for letting me know why you won't publish my comment.

I guess we have a different opinion on what is "holier than thou".

Was it the fact that I got too direct about the need to respect her husband and be glad for what she had?

I'm not trying to be rude or pushy, I honestly don't understand your response to my comment.

I wasn't trying to "be holier than thou". I wasn't sniping.

I was trying hard to uphold the word of God which this lady obviously finds important. She doesn't understand why she has this desire, and feels that it is of God and doesn't understand why her hubbie wouldn't be on board with that. I honestly thought that a shift in her thinking as a Christian woman was important. I was hoping to show her that there's a bigger picture that she needs to be concerned about. Not the "selfishness" of her husband, not her desire for more children, but a larger picture that she could be proud to be a part of. Imagine it, be able, by your actions and attitude being able to show the world the picture of Christ and his relationship to the church? What could be better than that?

Another commenter said the same thing.....probably more eloquently than I did.... but she did say..."respect your husband". I'm not sure what the difference is between the comments I made and the similar comments by colicmommy.

So if you can further explain where you had disagreements with my comments or why you think my attitude was incorrect it would be good to hear. I don't know. I would like to know so that I can learn how to better express myself and still uphold God's word clearly.

Thank you for your time.

Her response to me can be found here.
Her response is as follows:

A couple days ago someone posted a comment that I did not publish. When I wrote to her explaining why, she wrote back asking for more clarification. I sensed complete sincerity in her request. And because in the beginning I too was often too harsh in my approach - and because I do know how to critique writing - I wrote a specific reply.

In case there are others who might benefit from what I wrote, I'm posting it here. The bold italicized text is the commenter's. My commentary comes before and after.

Dear _____ -

Thanks for writing back.

I know I have an advantage in having worked on my writing for many years. Although at first I tended to run pretty roughshod over people - in the interest of truth - I quickly learned that in order to reach those in need, I had to choose my words with care.

Especially when someone has already confessed a sin publicly and reached out for help, you want to be careful not to hurt her. She's made herself vulnerable. The best people to reach someone then are those who can admit to the same sin and talk about how they have dealt/ still deal with it.

The least effective person is someone who's always been "perfect" in that area. However, that person may feel led to contribute some wisdom. In that case, she needs to continue to be led in how she makes that contribution.

Your start was pretty rough:

My first thoughts when I read this....is where is this woman's love and submission and respect for her husband?

She tantrumed him into having four children. That's not a respectful way to approach things. It's not a loving submissive way to listen and respect his headship of the family. What I hear is >>> I WANT MY OWN WAY!!! And HE"S SELFISH and WON"T DO WHAT I WANT.

I know it's only a few lines in a letter, but I really struggle with the fact that many women say.. "but I know this is what God wants for me so why does my husband not listen to what I'm saying?" It ends up sounding like, me me me.

All of this sounds very accusatory. I picture a person lying bleeding on the ground and begging for help and someone coming up and kicking her. The normal person would respond by curling up in a ball to withstand the blows. How could she ever hear the wisdom that you share next:

God's primary object for us is that we bring glory to him. He has set out a fine model for us to follow. Men show God's relationship with church, women are to show the church's relationship to God. That's biblical...read corinthians, ephesians and so forth.

Your husband has made it clear that he doesn't want any more children. BECAUSE he loves you, he has graciously given you four lovely children. And now he says... this family is complete. Please honour him for the love he has shown you. Respect him, raise those children to love and honour God and you're doing what you need to do.

As another reader stated....you can always pray about it. But you still need to respect him for his decisions.

It's almost as if these two parts were written by two different people. In the second part I see God's leading; in the first I see the Pharisee. Not that I'm calling you a Pharisee - I'm using that as a metaphor that we both understand for an attitude of the heart that Christians need to avoid.

There's an old cliche: No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

I'm going to post this at my blog without your name, just as a little writing help and reminder to each of us - myself included.

Now what bothers is not that we have a difference in opinion. That's allowed. I have no problem with people seeing things differently than I do. For instance, I did not see this woman in the original letter as saying she was sorry for her actions or attitudes. But more that...I want my kids, my husband doesn't want any for selfish reasons, how can I get him to change his mind before I'm too old to have children. Granted, Barbara may not have posted the entire letter, and there may be things in it that I am not privy to. All I could do is respond to what was presented.

What I do have a problem with is... the two-facedness I see. I have no problem being corrected, if the person doing the correcting is someone that I can respect. I have a hard time respecting someone who accuses me of of sniping, of being holier than thou, of being mean... of being a person who kicks a man when he's down, WHEN that person in private does to me what they are accusing me of doing. And then very publically acts like she's doing me this huge favour. I was accused (very politely and publically) of being perfect in this area. Of being a bit of a Pharisee. Of being a person who beats a person when they are down and doesn't know how to show any love. Oh my.... how little she knows! :)

Now granted, I am sensitive to comments about not being nice in what say verbally or via writing. I tend to be rather blunt and straight-forward. I've been shocked at people's responses to what I thought were straight-forward observations. So I have learned over the years to temper my comments just a bit. :) And I know that I have more learning to do...but in a lot of ways, I'd rather be a bit blunt and have people know the truth, than to tip toe around and not have them really know what God thinks about things.

I don't know readers...maybe I did mess up somewhere. But somehow I keep going over it and think.... I still don't really get it. And since my hubbie doesn't really get it either, I thought I'd see what you all think.

Thanks in advance for any comments you might make.